The hard topics!

Ok! Now comes the time to address all of the things that it was not possible to bring up in the last post! Or, in other words, it’s time to quit putting off talking about certain things!!! When I decided to write this blog, I said to myself that I was going to put EVERYTHING out there! There may be others going through the same things wondering what the deal is. So here goes nothing!!

The main, huge issue that my family and I have had to deal with is the irritability! I can explode at the drop of a hat and I have!! I have chased our dog with a rage that I have personally never experienced before! All because she peed on our bed! Yes agrivating, but when you take into consideration that she was still a puppy of only about four months it’s kind expected for stuff like this to happen! I can say that now, but at the time it totally pissed me off! I was ready beat her senseless! I ended up chasing her under a table and throwing a chair trying to get to her before my wife stopped me! Of course that was not easy to accomplish and after we exchanged words, to put that nicely, I was removed from the situation to calm down! I never even stopped to think about how that affects everyone around me until that night! Seeing the fear on my wife’s face was a wake up call for me! I don’t like living like that! And if any of you know me, you know that I have never been like that a day in my life!! It was also being affected towards my son. One thing I never wanted to happen! Now let me say here that I have never laid a hand on him or my wife and never would, but I realized that night that the way I was acting was no better! They felt like they had to walk on eggshells around me! I dont like that!

That night my wife and I sat and had another of our heart to heart coversations! Through more tears we both let it all out there! The fear was coming back with the last flare up! I was again feeling helpless and worried over the future and security of my family! It was brought to my attention that this anger and rage could all be the product of this revisiting plague! I needed to get a handle on it quck!! A task that I am still working on to this day! My patience level has diminished to almost non-existent and most of us know that dealing with a todler, your patience has to be completely intact! So I am learning when to just get up and walk away removing myself to regain control over myself! But like I said, I am still learning! We went to dinner the other night and my son was being a pill and I let my anger get the better of me and before I knew it I was slamming my hands down on the table and pretty much throwing a temper tantrum no better than my 3 year old and had to be called down again by my wife! I dont want my fears and frustrations to strike fear and embarrassment in my family so this is a daily battle! A daily battle that I am determined to win!!!!

That was one of the issues that I have had to deal with since this journey has began! The next few that I am about to list are some of the hardest for a guy to deal with, much less admit! But I am putting it all out there so here goes nothing!!

The first of the difficult topics is the topic of incontinence! It has happened quite often! More often than I care to list here! lol But just trust me when I say It has happened! We could go out to eat and before I get home, I have had an accident in the car. I have to ask my wife to run and get a towel so I could wrap it around my waist to get out of the car in hopes that none of the neighbors would see!! It happened again one night where I woke up already in a mess! So I decided to see my regular family Dr for an exam in hopes of answers! After tests that showed that I was “normal”, we still had none! It wasn’t until we saw the MS specialist last April that we finally got the answers that I have been fearing!

I, of couse, didnt bring it up! My wife had to bring it up! There are some things that for me are very embarrassing to talk about and this is one of them! You have no idea how hard it is for me to even type this! And after talking with Dr. Okai about it, we learned that it is very possible and highly likely that this is all a result of my MS! This is one of the reasons that she felt that I was now showing lesions on my spine! And like I said previously, that was confirmed after the MRI!

She told me basically the physical therapy would help with this issue but I needed to “potty train” myself again! Me! A 31 year old man needing to potty train myself? We were having a hard enough time potty training my son and the puppy! We were turning into the house of potty training! Lol But surprisingly enough, it did help! It’s still at the point that if I even think that I need to go, I better get going or else suffer the consequence! Since starting the physical therapy, I have only had one accident! So small steps! 😉

Now for the dreaded topic that no man like to admit! Except maybe the happy guys in the Cialis or Viagra commercials! That would be the topic of sexual disfunction! It has happened more times than I can count right now, mainly because I try to block them from my mind!

Nothing worse than being in the mood and getting things started except for that one thing! (Let’s see how many cliches I can throw out to help ease the tension! In my own mind if nowhere else!) You may be mentally ready for everything! It may have been on your mind all day thinking about that special someone but when the time comes physically you can’t “rise for the occasion”! No matter how hard you try it’s just not happening! Nothing worse than looking into her eyes and see that hurt there with the thoughts of wondering of whether it her or not!

This was definitely something that needed to be spoken about with the specialist! But once we get there and we are sitting in the room with Dr. Okai, the words just won’t or can’t form and make their way from my brain to my mouth! Thankfully, again, my wife was there to say it for me! I even got embarrassed with her saying it but I knew it needed to be done! The Dr. took it all in stride and kept going like we were talking about how our days were going! Lol Come to find out, it seems this is also a result of the new lesions on my brain and spine! And it would be helped with….you guessed it…physical therapy! Haha Physical therapy is amazing stuff apparently! Now things in that department are now working without a problem!

So the basic reason I’m sharing all of this is to let whoever reads it know that no matter what the issue is, talk to your doctor! You may be pleasantly surprised at the root cause and what can be done to help fix it!

Now that those things are out of the way, I will move on to some not so personal things!

I have been experiencing pain in my feet for quite some time now! It’s pretty bad at times! Most of the time it just feels like the soles of my feet are on fire! The rest of the time it’s just sore to walk or stand! I’m not sure yet if this is a product if the MS or not! I used to think it was my shoes wearing out quickly because I am on my feet majority of the day on the cement floors at work! I have numerous insoles trying to help cusion my feet but that doesn’t really help! I have found that tighter socks help the most! The pain is still there but not as bad!

I have also had some back pains and shoulder pains! This really came to light in the MRI from Hell that I mentioned in my last posting!

I was scheduled for, what I was told, a 3 hour MRI to get the images needed of my brain and spine! I arrived that morning for it and was robbed of my clothes and put in a hospital gown and paper-like pants and some socks! I know I’m a big guy but the gown they gave me would have wrapped around me 3x’s!!! So I purposely put it on backwards so it wrapped around the front and I could hold onto it! That wasn’t good enough! I had to put another one on the other way to make sure that I was completely covered! So here I am with 2 gowns, paper pants and some thick socks!

They take me back to the room where the MRI would be done! The guy was very nice that was manning the controls! He covered me up with a blanket out of the warmer cause it was pretty cold in there and he didnt want me to freeze! That was nice but i probably should have reminded him about the many layers I had going on! He got the tv set up that I could watch during the scan, and headphones in place so I might be able to hear! Locked my head in place and we are ready to roll!

I lay there for a while learning about Italy on the tv until my shoulders started cramping up! One of those cramps that you needed to move around to ease the pain even a little bit! Then my back, between my shoulders decided to pitch in with the discomfort! I was hurting!!! Then all the warmth got to me! I started sweating!!! I had to move! I had to do something! So I decided to adjust just a little! Wrong time! He stopped the scan to see if everything was ok! I told him my growing list of complaints! He took the blanket away and from that moment on til we were done, he made sure to stop every so often so that I could “get the wiggles out and not mess up another section of the scan! Lol Once again, another instance it helps to voice yourself!

That was just one instance that the pain in my back and shoulders were a bother! I can wake up anytime with that pain bothering me! In fact as I write this, my back is sore and stiff! It is a bit annoying! And again I’m not sure if it is the MS or if we need a new mattress! Lol The joys of MS never cease to amaze!

I can say that since doing the physical therapy, my walking has improved a great deal! I still can’t drive though. I found that out yesterday! It was more of a test for myself to see where I was , but I went to the store for dog food and it was pretty difficult still! So that test proved what I was wondering. Stay in the passenger seat!!!

I hope you have again enjoyed the read and I hope it helps someone else out there! Have a great day!!!

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